I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
