My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
