My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
