I think I won the penis lottery.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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