you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
