I showed him my bush... on skype.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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