glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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