if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
