...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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