I want to have your abortion
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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