how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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