she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
