Sry I called you an 8
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
