I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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