I'm so fucking centered right now
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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