No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Sorry about my life...
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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