hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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