i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
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