I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
