It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
