is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
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