If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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