Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
