my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
