ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
My ATM looks so different sober.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Randomize
