Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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