Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
