Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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