i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
