so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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