Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
