i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
