Old men and throwing up are my life now.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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