after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
