my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
The air was thick with penises
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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