Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
