One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
