Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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