Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
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