i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Randomize
