Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
