The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
