also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
They have beer where we have blood.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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