You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
