Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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