just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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