Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
