Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
