by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
