I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Randomize
