I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
