my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
