The brown eye won't let me do that either.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
